Forget swine 'flu, there was another epidemic sweeping through a section of the population last week. Giles Smith devotes his column to some health advice.

If you were a doctor and a patient walked in and said, 'Doctor, I'm suffering really badly from a goal by Barcelona in the third minute of injury time which denied my team a place in the final of the Champions League in circumstances which were, from a large number of different angles, controversial to say the least' - well, what would you, as this person's GP, prescribe?

On the face of it, there wouldn't be much you could come up with, really. You could do your best to reassure the patient that the condition, though painful and lasting, and apparently affecting every area of his or her body, is not technically terminal.

In other words, you could point out that the patient is not actually going to die as a result of Iniesta crashing in that solitary on-target shot. He only feels as though he is.

But, as a doctor, you could at least go on to recommend a few things which, even though unlikely to rid the patient of the complaint altogether, might at least help some of the worst of the symptoms to settle down a bit.

For instance, you could propose a year-long recuperative holiday at a health spa in the Caribbean. There, given enough peace and tranquility, and the time to reflect while receiving almost constant aromatherapy massaging from highly qualified staff, hand-picked for their beauty and giftedness with their hands, the patient may eventually begin to leave at least some of his sufferings behind.

Or you could suggest a course of therapy - really serious, hardcore, interventionist psycho-therapy, taking place on a daily basis for a number of years and designed to reinvent the patient as a confident, emotionally functioning human being with a new interest in pottery and playing the piano.

Alternatively, you could reach for your pad and write out a prescription for a 4-1 away victory over Arsenal. 'This won't eliminate the pain entirely,' you would explain, with a quietly confident smile, 'but I think you may find it helps.'

To which the patient might well say, 'A 4-1 victory over Arsenal? Are you sure? You haven't been able to get drugs as strong as that over the counter since 1960, the last time Chelsea defeated the Gooners at their place by that scoreline.'

And then you'd say, 'Trust me. I'm a doctor. Take this to the Emirates and hand it in. You'll see.'

And even then the patient might continue to voice doubts, saying, 'But it will go wrong. It always does. We'll go 2-0 up, but they'll come back. Extraordinary things always happen against Arsenal. Arsenal players do things against us that they never bother to do against anyone else. Nigel Winterburn scores from 30 yards. Robert Pires scores with a header. Juan Antonio Reyes scores. Kanu gets a hat-trick, including one from the corner flag. You could almost think it was personal - like they didn't like us, or something. Those are the kind of things that have happened in the past when I've tried to take Arsenal. The side-effects are awful.'

At which point, you, the doctor, would have to put on your most calming manner, looking the patient deep in the eyes and saying, 'Trust me. Really. Just trust me.' And then you would steer the patient towards the surgery door, adding, 'Now, if you don't mind - I've got a whole bunch of Middlesbrough fans to see.'

And it did the trick, didn't it? 4-1 at the Emirates - a very nice little uplift. Not an end to the pain, obviously. Not a full recovery. But the beginning of a recovery. The green shoots, if you will. Much cheaper than a year in the Caribbean, too. And much cheaper than therapy, come to that.

Good joke doing the round on the Arsenal websites: 'If you stay until the end at the Emirates, you miss the rush.' Boom and, again, boom. You see? It's not even a week since Barça and laughter is already possible.

'That was not a 4-1 match,' said Arsène Wenger afterwards. Only it was, though, wasn't it? It said so in the papers and on the scoreboard and everything.

Again, you see? Laughter: the best medicine.