One of the papers today has published a picture of Ashley Cole apparently smoking a cigarette. In other photographs, he is clearly on holiday and, possibly, at a party.

Clearly these photographs indicate a multiple contravention of newspaper rules regarding appropriate behaviour for members of the England squad in the wake of their disappointing World Cup campaign. It might be helpful if we all take a moment to refresh ourselves on the strict regulations in this area.

If you were in the England squad this summer, you are now forbidden to

have:

1) A holiday

2) A cigarette

3) A girlfriend

Even if you were the only England player who did remotely what they were meant to do in South Africa, you must not be seen:

1) Smiling

2) Drinking

3) Outside

All England players must report to a windowless monastery until the Daily Mail says they can come out.