Extraordinary times in the Premier League: basketball scores at Villa Park and Old Trafford. It is, to put it mildly, a highly unusual round of fixtures in which, by the simple expedient of beating Crystal Palace 4-0 at home, you improve your goal difference by nine over Liverpool and Manchester United simultaneously.Liverpool’s concession of seven goals to a team who were narrowly escaping relegation only a few weeks ago in particular raised eyebrows – and almost as high as it raised spirits across our pandemic-beset nation. As so often when history seems to be in the reckoning, many of us will have found ourselves casting our minds back for some steadying perspective to the 2004/05 season – which, as you will need no reminding, was the first of our three Premier League-winning campaigns under Jose Mourinho and the first of our five titles so far in the 21st century.That season, it took our defence not just one rainy evening at Villa Park, but four whole months to allow seven league goals to go past it. The sixth and seventh were conceded on 12 December in a 2-2 draw at Arsenal and, after the shocking profligacy of that, you will recall, no further league goals were given away in the league until 5 March, and only eight more followed between then and the season’s finish, for a sum total of 15, which (again, no reminding probably necessary) is an English Premier League record.

Far smarter mathematicians than me have already taken pleasure in pointing out that in one spectacular 90-minute burst last Sunday, Liverpool admitted 46.7 per cent of the number of goals that Chelsea conceded in that entire season.Liverpool’s goal difference was entirely cancelled out by their 7-2 disaster and Manchester United are currently shipping goals at an average just shy of four per game. And we haven’t even mentioned the surprising demolition at home of Leicester by, of all sides, West Ham.In this bizarre and almost unrecognisable context, our admirably comprehensive defeat of Palace was practically an island of calm in a broiling sea of madness and unpredictability. But even as we promisingly start to point our newly modified ship in the right direction, we too, let’s be honest, have already been through a couple of moments where we felt the unsteadying effect of these crazy, odds-defying times: that afternoon we gave West Brom a three-goal start, for instance. And that time we failed to score against Liverpool.

How to account for it all? The sheer dislocating oddity of the behind-closed-doors situation; the disruption to the normal rhythm introduced by the summer ‘restart’ phase; the shrinking of pre-season at most clubs virtually to a quick stretching session followed by a glass of water; the prolongation of unsettling transfer business deeper than ever into the autumn: all of these things seem to have played some part in introducing the current unusual levels of volatility.Well, at least the transfer window is now shut, removing one of those sources of disruption, because, even in the most straightforward of seasons, there’s always an unsettling draught while it’s open.And, incidentally, one has to say, now that it’s closed: what a window it has been for this club. There are no prizes, of course, for winning the summer transfer window: just the quiet sense of satisfaction that comes from seeing your operation smoothly outperform all others for fearless ambition, clarity of thought, and crispness of execution in the marketplace.Actually, maybe there ought to be a prize for winning the summer transfer window.Meanwhile, in emotional scenes at the draw for the Champions League group stage, Didier Drogba, flanked by Florent Malouda, moved magnificently between the bowls to produce a set of opponents for the autumn fixtures that people around these parts can afford to feel quietly content with. But, with that pairing up front, what did we ever expect?

That said, in the current restricted situation, the usual unbelievably protracted business in Geneva - where the Perspex tubs of destiny meet the plastic eggs of tomorrow, but only after 45 minutes of supplementary chit-chat - felt as much like a taunt as anything else. ‘Here’s another intriguing location that you won’t be going to any time soon.’For the record, the places that none of us will be packing a bag to enjoy visiting this autumn are Seville (in my humble opinion one of the nicest cities in Europe), Rennes in France and Krasnodar in southern Russia (not been to either of those, so unable to offer a humble opinion about them).It will all be on the telly, of course. But what is true for football on television is equally and possibly even more true for travel. It’s fine to watch Michael Palin going there on your behalf, but it’s not a patch on showing up and seeing it for yourself.Oh well. In the knock-out stages in the spring maybe? At a stretch? Not wishing to get ahead of oneself…

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